boutique practice & 50s

Last May I arrived at 51, or 50 if you’re Indian. When I hear about all of the great women that made it after they turned 50, I’m not surprised at all. Seriously, it takes decades to curate the wisdom, talents and perspective to lean in fully and live and love BIG. I’m so inspired by these greats. I just learned that Betty White really didn’t make it until she joined the Mary Tyler Moore Show at 51. Coincidentally, in 1973, the year I was born. That inspires me on so many levels. And if you come from a different era or background, you can be amazed or confused by what awaited me. No, I have not failed. For every messy challenge I faced in the public’s eye, there was a hill I climbed in front of everyone too. As women, we fail to celebrate those too. Major changes in gender equity, rooted in the early 70s, did, in hindsight make me invisible. They made my canvas of opportunity larger than life in many ways that I didn’t truly see until now. I lived the core of my reproductive years with the strength and courage that I lived in a free world, that would cushion me if I fell down on my face, and in the following instant, offer me spring to rise up and conquer my biggest challenges. However, I can imagine that if you grew up with so many restraints in your world, what is right and what is wrong for women, that this constant checking in on your actions would self-impose a chronic fight or flight on your nervous system. It can force a person to constantly be self judging and judging of others, a staple for survival of the nervous system. My very indifference of the equity I was born into would allow me to see farther and larger than many, not all, women before me, including my Mom. For that I am grateful and compassionate. Despite having a very restricted household built on eggshells, that now I understand its roots and where my parents’ perspectives were seeded from, I have been one of the lucky ones because I knew the world beyond offered many opportunities. I relied on the world beyond my household to give me wings, and for the most part, it has.

Roe vs. Wade happened in early 1973. I was born, a female, with immediate rights to privacy and any necessary healthcare I deemed critical. I never knew otherwise. WOW. Of course that assumed privilege that I could honor my body through its inherent intelligence and intuition would bear so much more fruit as I grew older and sought answers. Women before me assumed doctors were god and only they knew what our bodies needed. A year later, 1974, The Credit Care Act, armed women in this country the privilege, the right, to take out a credit card, mortgage, a loan for a car. Reread that. Why is that important? That allows women to leave abusive marriages, stand up for themselves and not rely on gender servitude in matrimony. That simply allows us to live the life we desire, with community, with or without a significant other who signs off on all of our choices. So, barely at 18 years old, I had been working for 4 years, was a high school graduate with honors, was the first in my family to graduate from university, and I owned multiple small businesses from my 20s through today. Recently my mom replied to my financial challenges that she didn’t buy anything she couldn’t pay cash for. I think she assumed in her smaller view of how she was trained to live, that I was in that place because I was eating out, buying shoes etc. No. I’m here for bigger life chapters that happened to many of us and it has taken me on an uphill climb to find my balance. I don’t have generational wealth or a much support from family… And for that, I can feel heavy or I can feel empowered that as a single woman in her 50s, I have been incredibly successful, hardworking, and resilient to expand my reach and remain a home and business owner in a thriving, yet also, challenging community. My “debt”, if you will, is composed of my liberties: a mortgage, car loan…things my mother wasn’t most likely considering when she made her judgment on where I am, but has enjoyed her entire adult life. The very fact that I get that and she did not in that exchange helps me so much to see how much women have evolved in what they can do and that these facts of life are not reflections of failure to be responsible. They are just that. Facts. Qualifying and being able to pay a monthly mortgage on a beautiful property and home, those are amazing successes with so many others contained within - like I’m the one that reads through all house contracts and catches bank errors, negotiates clauses, and more. I file taxes, I intuit body mysteries for clients, I stand up to bullies who still lack respect for single women and assume I’m a spoiled brat because I own my own home. The actions and the resilience of modern woman are at times a burden to bear, but also liberating. I just read online another reminder to these truths. People like to romanticize marriage and low divorce statistics from eons past. But the sad truth is woman had a very hard time working or could even be refused a rental home for their children before the 90s. I had no idea about the rental refusal into the late 80s by the way. I’ll have to vet that fact but crazy if that is also true. This amplifies how divorce, as difficult as it can be, could also be another success in evolution of liberties. That we “can”. I can list all of the things my family and others along the way have stated that I failed at, or made a mess of. But more importantly, I can list out all of the ways I grew, my achievements, and my celebrations for my peers’ successes. It cannot truly be a fail if it inspired you to reach farther. It hasn’t taken many special souls to help me see that over the years. You know the saying, you have no idea what someone is going through inside, so try to be kind? Absolutely.

In March of this year, my boutique practice and dream home were screaming for attention, or refinement? My normal process is to alleviate any emergency fix asap, and then hit PAUSE to take in what is really in the energy currents. It’s easier to read the tea leaves so to speak when you’re not slamming on the breaks trying to avoid an accident. I did this for both, finished up the annual taxes, and then took out a small loan to offer my decision making process some slack. Thankfully, I am a women born into an era with many options and choices. Once again, not a small feat. Thank you to everyone that paved the way for me to experience my “fails” that initiated greater successes to come.

Today, I am taking more intention with the openings. In March I closed out days of the week and focused the practice on providing the best support I could offer for more remotes and less hands-on, without wasting resources on failed policies, or a half empty tank because I had overextended my boundaries to support people that just didn’t get it. I upset several from not amending their appointments last minute and that is okay. What is an inconvenience in your life, is not my burden to bear in terms of not covering my utility bill because you weren’t willing to pay for your life change. So, I firmed up my boundaries even more, breathed new life into shorter work weeks, and joyously waited. Now it is almost fall, and to those that were so hard on me in the spring, did you even know I was unexpectedly grieving large, while I tried to pay bills? No. No clue and will never care to ask. The imprint that came into relief for me and my current, loving community from all of this, is more important however. I was more present for the real work. By honing in on our true work, I turned ill perspectives into increased patience and compassion for those showing up. I had more gas in the tank to offer. Now, as we step into the cooler months, I periodically will notice a day not taking root. I’ll ask the one client on the day to shift so I can open the energy of a full day, to see what comes. This way, we can continue the awesome love we give in bodywork and remotes, while, filling the tank with other work, love and life possibilities. And who knows, perhaps the house will get fixed too sooner than later. But for now, we celebrate the view of the starry nights. We don’t list out the fails; We celebrate the grandeur that only we can see because we’ve been down many paths.